Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

How One Bumble BFF Match Turned Into a Best Friendship with Hayleigh Hayhurst

• Friendship IRL • Episode 180

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Friendship apps have a reputation for being awkward. They're "not how real friendships happen.” But what if that's not true?

When Hayleigh Hayhurst moved to Seattle knowing almost no one, she found herself craving deeper connection and a stronger support system. Instead of waiting for friendships to happen organically, she decided to try Bumble BFF — and ended up meeting some of her closest friends!

Hayleigh talks about what it's like to go on friend dates, why friendship rejection can feel more personal than romantic rejection, and how to move conversations off the apps into real life.

If you’ve considered downloading a friendship app or simply want more meaningful friendships in your life, this episode is for you.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

  • Why adult friendships work better when you get to an in-person meetup as quickly as possible
  • The surprisingly specific filters Hayleigh used when looking for friends, including relationship status and lifestyle
  • How searching for a “neighborhood friend” changed Hayleigh's experience of living in a city far from family
  • Why borrowing a partner's social circle isn't the same as building your own support system
  • Why Hayleigh was more nervous to go on a friend date than a romantic date, and what convinced her to try anyway

Episode 52: How To Build Community When You Don’t Know Where to Start

Episode 162: Why Getting to Know Your Neighbors Matters Right Now

This episode is sponsored by Are We Friends Yet?, Alex’s book on building the support system you’ve been wanting.

Buy the book and submit your receipt before July 16th to get The Connector’s Toolkit free: a private pep talk podcast for the moments that feel hardest, a full year in The Less Lonely Club, and more. Grab your bonuses at alexalexander.com/are-we-friends-yet

This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required.

Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? is here. Order your copy today!

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Podcast Intro/Outro:

All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. Each week we talk about what is working(and what is not) in our friendships, community and connections. Have you ever wished you could sit down and have a conversation about what is really going on in your friendships? Well, you found your people. Join us as we dive into real life stories and explore new ways to approach these connections. Together, we're reimagining the rules of friendship

Alex Alexander [Narration]:

If you have ever looked at Bumble BFF or any friendship making app, and thought hard pass this episode is for you. Maybe you've thought, isn't that basically a dating app? That's embarrassing, or I don't want people to think something is wrong with me, or maybe you downloaded it, match with a few people, and then nothing happened. It just fizzled because nobody actually knew how to say, 'Hey, want to hang out sometime' without it feeling completely bizarre. Or maybe your objection is the big one: real friendships don't happen like this. Real friendships are organic. I hear you, I really do. And also I want to push back on that a little, because what we're really saying when we say that is that the method has to look a certain way for a friendship to

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

I'm so excited to talk about Bumble count, and come on, the world already makes this hard enough. I just don't think that that argument holds up. Here's what

I'll say:

if friendship making apps are not your thing, that is completely fine. There is no shortage of episodes in the Friendship IRL catalog about meeting people in your neighborhood in third places through friends of friends and community groups. Honestly, probably a few other dozen ways that I am missing on this list. Go find the one that fits you, but if you have been curious about this, or you've been on the fence, or you just want to hear what's actually possible, then stay with me, because my guest today is living proof that you can go from downloading that app to making some really amazing friends. Hayleigh Hayhurst is the founder of Espresso Podcast Production, a full-service podcast management agency that covers everything from concept and launch to editing, audience growth, and monetization. She also hosts two podcasts of her own, Employee to Boss, focused on entrepreneurship and business growth, and Podcast Café, which is all about elevating the craft of podcasting for creators at every level. Now, Hayleigh and I met through a mutual connection, through a networking event, and we were talking about business things, podcasting work, and suddenly when she found out I talk about friendship, she just casually mentioned the success that she had had on Bumble BFF, and that is why she's here on Friendship IRL today, when Hayleigh moved to Seattle during the pandemic, knowing almost no one, she used Bumble BFF intentionally, strategically more than once to build a friend group she genuinely loves, make some of her closest friends, and even set the filter to making a friend in her neighborhood, like we're talking a best friend, where she was in their wedding. It is possible, and today we talk about what it actually feels like to go on a friend date. Why it's somehow more nerve-wracking than a romantic date. How to get off the friendship-making app and into real life, and why Hayleigh thinks the reaction people have when she tells them how she met her best friend is the funniest part of the whole story. Let's get into it. BFF, and thanks for having me on.

Alex Alexander:

Well, when you mentioned that you had made some of your closest friends on there, obviously immediately I'm like, excuse me, wait, what? Come talk about that, because we need to be talking about it, like it is an option that exists out there, and some people should take advantage of it.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Yeah, I agree, I agree, I think it's great for making friends.

Alex Alexander:

Well, and you've had lots of success, as we're going to talk about today. So, can you maybe I would say, like, start at the beginning, but the beginning being when you moved to Seattle, and you knew almost no one, right? Like, two people,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

two people, yeah,

Alex Alexander:

during the pandemic, can you talk crazy about that? Yeah,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

I swear I'm mentally sane. I know that's like the craziest thing to do. Yeah, so I graduated college in 2019 in December of 2019 basically right into the pandemic, and one of my closest friends from high school already lived up here in Seattle because she went to UW, and somehow convinced me to move up here. It was pretty easy, because I was unemployed, living with my mom, and I was like, this is not my post-grad plan. So decided to make the move up to Seattle, only knowing two people, one being the girl I was living with, and then another one being a girl that was in my college, my sorority, that we hadn't really talked since college, so, or like, since probably sophomore year of college, so it definitely wasn't great for like meeting people during that time, but honestly, what I was doing was I was going on like a lot of dates, because I was also single, and figured I needed out of the house, my roommate had a partner, so I was like, I guess I'll just go on some dates, and it was fun, though, because I was in a new city, I could go do things by myself. I lived in Ballard, so lots of breweries that were open with social distancing, so there was like opportunities, and I think being anywhere new is always fun, I was finding new stuff to do every single day, but dates is like really how I was like meeting people, which was not ideal. I know it's like so funny, but it worked.

Alex Alexander:

I do think a lot of people, that's a very common way to go about it, if you are single, because it's so normal to just decide on a whim, laying on the couch on a Tuesday night, watching your favorite show, and being like, you know what, I'm gonna create that dating profile, why not,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

right?

Alex Alexander:

Why not,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

exactly, exactly. So I was going on dates for a while, and lots of first dates, not as many second dates, but that wasn't like my intention, I just was like wanting to get out there and do things,

Alex Alexander:

yeah.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

So I was doing that for maybe like six or seven or eight months or so, and then met my ex, who we dated for like a year or so. And once I met him, I was like feeling lonely again, because now I had him and my two friends. Then I met a few other people, like out in the wild, just naturally. So I like, I had a bigger group, but it wasn't as exciting as it was when I like had all these first dates to go on, or second dates, or whatever. So it was fun dating him, but he kind of lived far, and I was just, yeah, feeling that loneliness of like being in a new city. Relationships always make me feel a little trapped, which is something to talk to my therapist about.

Alex Alexander:

That's not me, I'm definitely not your therapist. But did your ex at the time, like, have a bunch of friends, was he also, I guess, having like a busy, bustling social life outside too.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

He did, to an extent. The issue was we lived like an hour apart.

Alex Alexander:

Oh yeah,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

so we weren't seeing each other every single day.

Alex Alexander [Narration]:

Did you hear it? Did you hear my brain just kind of head off into right field there for a second. I feel like maybe sometimes you guys can tell when a guest says something and my brain lights up, and normally I try to kind of shut it down and like talk about it in the narration, but I had to ask Hayleigh this question, because why in a episode about friendship apps, am I suddenly like, does your boyfriend have a friend group? I want to explain the reason I ask that is because when there is an imbalance in the support systems in a relationship where one person has this full rich social life, and the other person doesn't, it can actually make loneliness feel more intense, not less, because now you actually see what you're missing, and sure, sometimes partners try to bridge that gap by folding you into their world, inviting you to their friend hangouts, inviting you to watch, in this case, maybe the game, or meet up at the bar, and honestly, that's really sweet, and you do want to know your significant other's friends, but it's not the same, and the reason it's not the same is because you are sitting at this table. Well, let's say, as an example, witnessing somebody else's Wheel of Connection, you are seeing that they have present friends, they have work friends, they have neighbor friends, whatever it is, and sure, these are all new people, and you might develop relationships, but if you look at your own Wheel of Connection, you might realize these are all really just familiar friends to you right now, and that's great, but if you want a present friend that can make you feel really lonely, if you're like Alex, what is a present, a defined, a familiar friend? These are all types of friendship on my Wheel of Connection, which is like my core framework that I talk about all the time. You can head to Episode 100 or the most complete example you will get, and answers on theWheel of Connection are in my book, and you want to head to the show notes to get the link for that. Now, this is not a knock on anyone. I hope your significant other has a thriving friend group. It's just the nature of roots, and you can't borrow someone else's. So, if you have ever felt lonely sitting in a room full of your partner's friends, or another friend of yours, friends like another friend group that you're not really a part of, but they've invited you to it, could be anything, it could be your siblings or your parents' friends. I just want you to know that is completely normal, that feeling is real, and it's actually really useful information. It's telling you something, it's telling you that you need to put some energy into building up your people, which is exactly the information that Hayleigh ended up with, and the action she took.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

So, after maybe a few months, maybe like five or six months of dating him, I was like, I think I need some more friends, like I need more friends, and so going out to bars was not really doing it for me, because I had tried that in the past, and I met him on a dating app, so I was like, why can't I meet friends on a dating app? So I tried out Bumble BFF, and at the time I didn't know anyone who used it, I think it was like kind of newer when I was starting to use it, but that was like the intention was just like to meet friends. So it's funny when I set up the first friend date. Well, first of all, I was really nervous, like taking a step back. I was really nervous. I was more nervous to go on friend dates than I was to go on like real dates, because I felt like it was a different kind of rejection, if like a guy doesn't like me, whatever, his loss. If a friend doesn't like me, that's a little more personal, you know. So there were things that I had to, like, work through when it came to that, but I just figured, what do I have to lose? And yeah, long story short, I made a lot of friends off of there.

Alex Alexander:

I mean, that's those crazy societal narratives, though. You know, just like we've normalized that it's gonna take so many dates to find, quote unquote, like the one.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Yeah,

Alex Alexander:

but friends, what's always wild to me about this is that friends are honestly like, should be less pressure, because you're not necessarily looking to move in with them, you're not looking to join finances with them, you're not looking to co-parent potentially with them, you're not looking to make your entire life plan intermixed with them, like you're just looking for someone to hang out with, somebody who supports you, somebody who you know you can call on a bad day, call on a good day, celebrate, and I get that that's some serious stuff, but in reality it should be way less pressure, but we've just convinced ourselves that if somebody doesn't like us as a friend,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

yeah,

Alex Alexander:

then maybe, like, I don't want to put words in people's mouth, because I do think people have different feelings, but maybe, like, something's wrong with me as a person, versus when you're dating, it's just like, oh, this isn't the right fit,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

right, yeah, and these were all the things I was telling myself before I actually did it, and then I just kind of realized, like, what do I have to lose, right? And so I just did it, and the first person I met were still friends, like, to this day, are we like BFFs? No, but like, we are still friends, and like, see each other from time to time, and it was just like, so nice to be able to go and get a drink with someone who there was only the intention of being friends, right? There's no intention of anything else. So it was so much nicer than I could have imagined. I was so nervous. Nervous to go on this first friend date, but she was so sweet, and it was just.. I don't know. That's what I tell everyone when they complain about not having friends, is just try Bumble BFF, because what's the worst that can happen, right? I mean, you meet someone and don't want to see them again. Okay, I meet people in my daily life that I don't see again, so it's no different. I think

Alex Alexander:

I wholeheartedly agree with you. Obviously, I also am listening to you talk about it, and I'm just like, what's the harm? You know, what's the harm? Like, say you even download Bumble BFF, you go on that first friend date, and you're just like, I don't like this, okay? But you still tried

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

it, right? Exactly, exactly. And you know what's so funny, after I downloaded this app and went on maybe like the one friend date, and then set up a second one, me and my ex broke up, and then I was like, "Damn, I really need friends now, like I really need friends. So that's where I really stepped up going on friend dates rather than going on like romantic dates, and so that's where I met my best friend, who I was in her wedding, like six months after we met, we like, she was also someone who moved here during the pandemic, so also didn't have a big group, and we just like really hit it off, and like, I've had experiences where I've met people just didn't vibe with them, but it wasn't anything bad, it was just always like so much good has come from my relationships that I've made on Bumble BFF, so I'm so glad I did it. Honestly,

Alex Alexander:

me too. Well, because that would be awful, like you're just still sitting here hoping that something will change or someone will fall into your lap, versus you know you put yourself out there and you made it happen.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Yeah,

Alex Alexander:

so real confessional.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Yes,

Alex Alexander:

I probably should, for work purposes, download Bumble BFF.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Yeah,

Alex Alexander:

but I have not done it, and I should just do it. But as somebody who has never used Bumble BFF, this is gonna be probably different for everybody. How are you picking who you even talk to? Is it just like a vibe on their profile?

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

It is. It is, and I had the same feeling of like, what if I get rejected? I kind of felt weird rejecting people on there because it wasn't like how they looked, like I didn't care about what they look like, but I would read through their profiles and see their vibe and their photos, and at that time I wanted more single friends, so it says on there, like their relationship status, if they have kids, I was like 23 and I still don't have kids, and was not really interested in making friends with kids at that time in my life, and so I mean it wasn't something I would like immediately say no to, but it wasn't like we were just in different parts of life.

Alex Alexander:

You have the ability to have filters in that moment, why not use them

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

exactly,

Alex Alexander:

you know? If you had met someone out and about, and you come to find out they have kids, great, but they seem like a really fun person, like cool, but you had the ability to really narrow in, so why not? There's nothing

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

exactly, exactly. So it was also my profile that people like, I would make my prompts really cute and say like what I was looking for, because at that time I wanted like friends to go on walks with, and coffee dates, and to bars, and nightlife, and all these fun things. So if their profile looked the same, like I didn't want to join like a book club, like honestly. So if that was the vibe, probably wouldn't work, but if it wasn't, and they wanted to go out and like explore the city, that was what I was looking for, so that's how Lauren and I met, and a bunch of other of my friends too, and it's funny because I know I told you this, of I made these great friends, and then I moved to West Seattle, which is not very far,

Alex Alexander:

which for anybody who's listening who's not from Seattle, that is really not far at all. It's, I mean, depending on how you get there and what day of time of the day, and whatever, and like, where in West Seattle, and how did you live? We're talking like 15 to 25 minutes, but there's this weird phenomenon in Seattle where if you live over, I don't know, like a 12 minute drive away from somebody, maybe 10 minutes. It's like, oh, you live so far, you know? Like, somebody tells you they live on Capitol Hill, and you really have to evaluate if you friendship

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

100% with parking. I, okay, Alex, I, when I was single, I refused to go on dates in Capitol Hill, even if they lived in Cap Hill, I was like, I am not finding parking down there, so yeah, it is a weird phenomenon with Seattle people, but yeah, so when I moved over to West Seattle, I live near Alki, and I just wanted one friend who lived within walking distance of me, so I downloaded the app again after like a Year and a half or two years of not using it. Met my friend Sarah, love her besties. And then I deleted the app, and I was like, it served its purpose. I met Sarah. We have a great friendship, and that's all I really wanted down here. So it works. I mean, it's like whatever you're looking for, you can find,

Alex Alexander:

but I talk about this all the time of just like the joy of being an adult, making friends. It's like, oh, it's so hard. It's you can look for whatever you want, you know. When we were kids, you had to go to school and befriend the people that your, you know, your parents chose, whether you went to public school or private school or home school or boarding school, or whatever, like you maybe got to pick the sports teams, maybe, or the activities you did, or maybe your parents directed that too. They picked what formal communities you got to be a part of, if you were part of, like, a religious community or a service community, or whatever. As an adult, you can pick whatever the heck you want, so if you're like, I want someone that ideally lives within a five minute walk of me or two blocks of me, you can try and make that happen.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Yeah, exactly. I think I literally put my distance at one mile, that's it, that's all I'm looking for. It's like right here, because I just wanted a friend who was close in case anything happened, or whatever. I don't have family here, so it's nice to be able to have people within arm's reach that will can be there. And so, yeah, one mile, that's all I gave it. But,

Alex Alexander:

and this one is Lauren.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

This one is Sarah. Sarah's the one that lives in West Seattle.

Alex Alexander:

Okay, so when you met up with Sarah, when you're like messaging Sarah, did you tell her, like, 'Hey, I'm looking for someone that lives like right by me? Yeah, I think I probably did. Well, also says your location on there, so I saw it said Alki. I was like, 'Oh, like I live down here too, like want to meet for happy hour.

Alex Alexander [Narration]:

Filters, I have talked about filters in so many episodes, I can't even think of what all the episodes are to send you back to find them, because I think it's just sprinkled throughout almost every episode. I love talking about a filter to find friendships. You see, one of the genuine joys of making friends as an adult, is that you actually get to pick who you want to be friends with. When you were a kid, you got whoever was in your class, whoever your parents signed you up to do activities with. You didn't get a ton of say, and sure, you could be more drawn to one friend or a couple friends on the soccer team than others, but you didn't get to pick whether you were necessarily in soccer or lacrosse or moto racing or chess club. Your parents probably had some say, and even if you got a say in that, you probably didn't get a say in like what school you went to where they bought a house, what community organizations they were a part of. As an adult, you get complete control over that, and that can look like anything. Maybe, like Hayleigh mentioned, it's wanting more child-free friends, especially in her case, like, she's in her early 20s, and I think she was trying to kind of be like, "Oh, it's okay, girl, you want people you can go out and party with. I totally get it. Maybe it's someone who loves the same kind of weekends as you do. You want somebody who wants to go to brunch, or you are a parent and you want somebody who wants to go to the park or wants to meet up somewhere with an indoor play space or wants to come over and hang out during nap time, maybe you just want somebody who lives close by, which brings me to this, How many of you listening right now have a good friend who lives within one mile of where you live. I'll be honest, if anything has ever made me want to truly download Bumble BFF for me personally, like to better my life and add something to my Wheel of Connection, not just downloading it for the sake of research for my work, but really, how it can impact me. Hayleigh's example of setting a filter for a friend that lived within a mile of her is truly enticing. Somebody that's within walking distance, someone I could just call on a random Tuesday, someone close enough to show up, and sure, I have a friend who honestly is talking about moving really close to me, and I'm always like, let me know, I'll send you listings, right? I would love that, but that would be a few years away, and I don't know if that'll ever happen, and I can sit around and I can wait for that, or I can do exactly what Hayleigh is talking about here. And I can get on Bumble BFF now. I have so many episodes about meeting people in your neighborhood, Episode 52 and 162 specifically, both are linked in the show notes, and building connection where you live, and if that feels more natural to you, great, go listen to those episodes. You don't need to download the app, but if downloading the app feels easier, and honestly I'm feeling like maybe it does for me, then maybe you want to try this instead too. There is no wrong way to find your people.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

I feel like that's something that people feel awkward about too, is getting off of the apps, whether it's like dating apps or friend apps. It's like, how do I go from like pen pal to actually in person with them? And this might be different for everyone, but for me it's like I don't really want to talk to someone on the app that much, because quite honestly, I don't care. Like, I don't want to sit there and like write and text and do all these things. I don't like texting usually in general, and so I think we maybe were like, "Hey, hey, oh, I'm down here, I'm down here too, like, want to meet at Harry's Beach House, set a date, and then that was it. So

Alex Alexander:

love it,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

just quick. I know that there's people that want to feel more comfortable by talking for longer, but I find that I'm such, like, a vibe energy person that, like, I can't tell until I'm like with them, so I just like to be like, okay, straight to the point, let's let's meet up for a drink or something.

Alex Alexander:

I was thinking I have a friend who, for romantic dates, she has kind of like a process, I guess. She similarly is like, I don't want to waste my time just messaging back and forth on these apps, and so I think she gives like three back and forths, and then at that point she has kind of a standard message, she says it's like, hey, here's my phone number, feel free to call me, and she basically, like, I don't know, she blocks them, or she, like, she won't message them back on the app anymore, and for her, she like wants somebody to actually take the initiative and like reach out, and then I think she'll only go back and forth on a phone call, or via text or voice memo, whatever, a couple times, and then she's kind of like, "Hey, if you want to move this forward, let me know when we should get together. But how much time you waste going back and forth forever and ever, unless you really like that? I think I get it. Some people do like that, but at a certain point, you got to just make a decision that you're gonna meet up somewhere,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

exactly like my current partner that I have now, like romantic partner. He messaged me, he was like, "Hey, I know this is weird, but like, can I take you out to my favorite restaurant in West Seattle? Because he saw I was like in West Seattle, and I was like, "Yeah, sure, and he sent me time and place, and that was like all we talked before I went, but also I had gone on so many dates in like the past few years that I'm just a little bit over it, and was like, yeah, amazing, I don't want to talk about what you did today, I'd like rather meet up in person.

Alex Alexander:

Well, so my friend, which I kind of appreciate this, because when I asked her about it, she was like, the thing is, I want to see that somebody takes initiative, and I think that could be said in the friendship space too, of like everybody's out here complaining that nobody initiates, so initiate or have them initiate, whatever, like just pick a time and a place, do they respond, do they quickly give you an alternative time if it doesn't happen, like that tells you a lot, probably about how it's gonna look going forward if they just keep putting it off and putting it off and putting it off. You could have spent months talking to this person, and they're just gonna never set up a time to actually shift this friendship into like an in-person friendship,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

exactly. And I think what I also like about Bumble is like you go into it with the intention of wanting to like hang out and spend time together and do all these things. I go to a ton of networking events because I'm a business owner and I meet a lot of women networking, and that, like, I've made great friends from networking too. But it is a lot slower and a lot more.. it's different. It's just different, because it's like, are we business friends, are we friends, friends? Can I text you about the shitty date I went on, like, or do I need to tell you about this weird client I had? You know, it's like different, and so that is nice. It's just cut to the chase, and yeah, I mean, like I said, I've had girls that I met on there, who I didn't necessarily vibe with 100% but none of it's been bad, like it's never been a terrible experience. It's just getting coffee with someone you're probably not gonna get coffee with again.

Alex Alexander:

Yeah, I mean, and again, there's nothing wrong with them, like maybe you see them out and about sometime, you're just like, oh, hi, right.... chatter, exactly. I saw somebody the other day at Nordstrom Rack that I knew from my event planning days and said hello. We chatted for like five minutes, and it was a very lovely interaction. Then we said goodbye. Yeah, it could be the same as that.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Can I tell you the funniest thing that happens?

Alex Alexander:

Yes.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Okay, so for me and Lauren, we've like traveled before again, was in her wedding, and whenever I get married, she'll definitely be in mine, right? And we just have like such a close relationship that when someone asks how we met and we say Bumble BFF, people's reaction is hilarious, so funny, they're like, like the dating app, and we're like, no, no, like the BFF side. A lot of people have never heard of it, and they assume that we're like in a relationship, which she's married to a man, like we're not right. And so that response is so funny of people that haven't heard of it, so I can see if someone's feeling like weird about Bumble BFF, or like taboo, or something, that that might be what it is, but honestly, it's really funny when I get to educate someone on Bumble BFF. I've had so many people sign up for it because of me, I should be like an ambassador.

Alex Alexander:

Well, if you have an affiliate code, we'll put your affiliate code in here, you know.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Yeah,

Alex Alexander:

yeah, I mean, most people don't know that this exists, or they've looked at it, but they make all these assumptions about what it means to have done that, and so I'm sure part of it is, honestly, the fact that you guys are so close that everyone probably makes this assumption that you've been friends since high school, or since college, or

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

yeah,

Alex Alexander:

you were roommates together, like there's only certain types of ways you met that you could possibly be that close,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

yeah,

Alex Alexander:

that's just not the case. So when you look at you and Lauren's friendship, though, like you met up initially, and then did it just feel easy to find ways to connect, right? Because now you're on your own, initiating, like you have to be proactive, you can't just wait for this friendship to happen.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

To me, it's easy. I'm a pretty outgoing person, and I'm not afraid to double text, but also, what I love about her is she's the same. She's a very outgoing person, not afraid to double text or anything. So, I think we have that in common for sure. And, yeah, I mean, we started hanging out, like on the weekends, and like during the week, and just like built this relationship. And something that's important to me too is that my friends are friends to some extent, they don't have to be best friends, but like I said, I'm a business owner, I'm busy, right, and so I don't have time to hang out with everyone individually, so I usually like to do group settings with my friends, and that's just something that I value, right, and so then I would introduce her to other people, and then I'd meet other people in Bumble BFF, and like do a group hang, and that's like my ideal way to hang out with my friends. Of course, I hang out with them one on one, but like as a whole, like I prefer us all to hang out together.

Alex Alexander:

Do you feel like most of your friends appreciate that, or do you feel like some of them feel awkward about that.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

I don't think any of them have really felt awkward about

Alex Alexander:

it. I mean, you're kind of playing like a friendship matchmaker.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

I am.

Alex Alexander:

I love

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

it. Yes,

Alex Alexander:

I love it.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Yes,

Alex Alexander:

but some people I could see being like, oh, I have to go meet all these people I don't know. I would hope they'd be like, oh, well, Hayleigh thinks they're cool. I think Hayleigh's cool, so

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

yeah,

Alex Alexander:

we'll probably find something in common and have a good time.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Usually, it's not like a house hangout. Normally, it's like, oh, we're all going to like this bar together. Do you want to come, or like, we're going to this picnic, or whatever? So, it's it's kind of like if you're going to introduce your partner to your friends, like it's the same thing. I'm not going to be like, okay, we're going to sit down at this intimate dinner and talk like I try to do it in that way. It hasn't always worked out. I do have friends that don't like my other friends, like personalities clash. Yep, and then at that point I just respect that. I'm not going to push anything. I can be friends with two different groups of people, but for the most part, they all do like each other,

Alex Alexander:

you know. What I find funny about that is, I've asked some friends who maybe not necessarily like don't get along, but don't like understand other friends, and that's normally what I find when I ask them, is they're just like, you know, for you to be friends with that person, I know there has to be something awesome about

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

them,

Alex Alexander:

but I think that maybe they keep it like locked away. Yeah, I'm so curious, what it is about, like, I don't know. Stick around and find out

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

exactly.

Alex Alexander:

There is something special, but yeah,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

yeah, exactly, exactly. You know, I have this friend who I was met her on Bumble BFF around. The same time I met all my other friends, like Lauren, and she just moved away. She got married and moved away, but she downloaded Bumble BFF, met me, and she's like, "Okay, I made my one extroverted friend, and then she deleted the app, and then I introduced her to everyone, and so she's like, "All I needed was you, and it was like, "Okay,

Alex Alexander:

you know what? I think that is a great tactic, like find the connector, find the inviter, and honestly, I would say, like, would you be offended if someone told you? Well, maybe not, because somebody did tell you that, like, hey, I found my extroverted friend, so basically just invite me along.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Yeah, no, I love it. I love, yeah, I'm like a connector in business and that's all I really want to do, so I think that probably is why I love group situations so much, you know. And I don't know, just the connection to me in like a group, and it's just there's something special about it.

Alex Alexander:

I mean, it's fun to watch other people develop some sort of connection. I don't need all of my friends to be best friends with each other by any means, but I do thoroughly enjoy watching them like discover that special thing about each other, like you already know maybe that they have this common interest, yeah, and you're gonna try and kind of set them up to figure that out about each other, and then suddenly you watch when they both realize something, and then sparks fly. Like, I think that's really fun.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

I do too. I do too, and I feel like I can read people really well, so I can know if their personalities aren't gonna match by any means, and then I won't even try that. I know. Luckily, that doesn't happen too much,

Alex Alexander:

and if it does, it's just there's going to be quote unquote like fails, right? There's gonna be duds, there's gonna be no friendship journey is perfect and linear. They're going to be moments where you're like, oh, okay. I thought they get along, they didn't.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Yeah, or I tried to befriend that person, it didn't work out. Or, I mean, shoot, I have a newer friend. We are like work friends, like you were saying, are we friends? We are work friends. And she invited me to, like, a personal hangout. It was just the two of us. Okay, a big moment.

Alex Alexander:

She had an extra ticket to something. She's like,'You want to get together? I'm like, 'Yeah, why not? Let's try it out, you know, new routes, new ways to connect. Here we go. So we go, and we are having a grand old time. It is a great hangout. We are together for, I guess, like a two and a half hour event, and I kid you not, in the last five minutes of this hangout we're talking about something, and I made a comment that as soon as it came out of my mouth I was like, oh Alex, like I didn't mean anything bad by it, but I just didn't phrase it correctly, and so then she was trying to figure out what I was really meaning to say, because it did not sound good at all, and we kind of ended up finding the common ground, like she got where I was trying to go with it, but it was kind of like a comment on her past again, it did not. It did not come out right, and I just left, being like, wow, you know, you can go two hours and 25 minutes that just feel great. Then you can absolutely fumble it with five words, and not in a bad way. We're still talking, we're still friends. There's nothing wrong with it. Like, I brought up the comment later, and was like, "Hey, that obviously came out really bad. She was like, "Yeah, but it's okay,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

yeah,

Alex Alexander [Narration]:

like I got what you meant in the end, and I'm just here to tell people,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

yeah, it happens. It happens. I mean, we're all just human, right? Like, it's not all going to be perfect. I've had situations like that too, where or someone will say something to me, and I'm like, what, but I don't know. I just, I try to think the best of everyone until they prove me wrong. I just think the best of everyone, which one of my friends says is not the best way to approach everything, but I think it's fine. I think it's totally fine. I'm like you, I like to think the best of people? Yeah.

Alex Alexander:

Anyways, there's like this quote out there. It's like everybody talks about how somebody has to earn your trust, but like, who am I to really think that? So, in my mind, it's like I give trust, but I will take it, definitely.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Like, sure,

Alex Alexander:

we can remove it, but I really do try and assume the best of people.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Exactly, yeah, but I mean, I think it's so important. I feel like, in the point of life that I'm at with running this business, I'm in a very new relationship, like all of my past relationships have ended not well, and the people I always run back to are my friends, specifically. The ones I meet on Bumble BFF, I mean other ones too, but like they're always there for me, whereas I don't know, I don't feel that security in romantic relationships yet. Hopefully things change, but my friendships are all solid. I love female friendships, like I don't know what my life would be without them. I know that there's a lot of people that want relationships like this, and I don't know. Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there to get them.

Alex Alexander:

I think some people are going to be downloading Bumble BFF after this episode to give it a try. Like, hopefully any embarrassment, any like second guessing is gone, you know. You can look forward to schooling everybody with your story later, when you have a success story, like, and it's a great, like, shock value intro to your friendship for everybody later. You know, I mean, this is what I'll say about that. We have people out here making, like, Tinder photo booths for their wedding,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

right,

Alex Alexander:

and yet somebody feels odd about downloading an app to try and make a friend where you have some filters to be like, oh, I want somebody who lives a mile away from me, which so many people want a friend like that,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

exactly, so just I spent all summer laying on Alki and like, meet no one, okay? So it's not like I'm a homebody, like I leave my house and go do things almost every day, take my dog on like two walks a day, three walks a day. I go out to bars, I go out to restaurants, like I live a very full social life outside of my house, so it's not like I'm just sitting inside, and even I have a hard time meeting people outside, so it's something I was craving in my life, so I just made it happen. And I think, yes, everyone should download Bumble BFF if that's what you want, because again, like, who's it gonna hurt? Who's it gonna hurt?

Alex Alexander:

No one, it might help you, it might help you, so why not

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

exactly?

Alex Alexander:

Hayleigh, thank you so much for coming on here and talking about, well, your lovely sounding friendships, and how intentional you've been about making friends, and just, you know, hopefully giving some people some hope of like what is possible if you take a little bit of a risk and put yourself out there and chat with some new people,

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

exactly, exactly. Well, thank you for having me. For the listeners, if you live in West Seattle, come be my friend. West Seattle specific. No, I'm open to making friends all over, but West Seattle, ideally,

Alex Alexander:

maybe not in Capitol Hill, though, unless you're willing to drive to..

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

exactly. Yeah, exactly.

Alex Alexander:

For all of our Seattle listeners. All right, thanks, Hayleigh.

Hayleigh Hayhurst:

Thank you so much, Alex.

Alex Alexander [Narration]:

I hope that this episode sparked a little something for you, whether that is finally downloading Bumble BFF or any other friendship app, or just shifted the way you think about how you make friends, because honestly, the biggest thing I want you to walk away from this episode with is that the method does not matter as much as the intention. Hayleigh was intentional, she knew what she wanted, she went looking for it, and she didn't let the awkwardness stop her, and now she has a best friend that she stood next to at her wedding. She has somebody she can call to just come hang out on the couch that lives walking distance from her. That's real, that counts. And quite frankly, that changes our lives and our happiness. And if you're still not sold on this whole app thing, genuinely no pressure. Like this is not some sponsored episode. This is just me finding a person who had great success and wanting to share it, because I think it can inspire some people. If you don't want to get on an app, go dig into the Friendship IRL catalog. There are episodes on meeting people in your neighborhood, third spaces, through friends of friends, through community groups, we have covered a lot of ground. I can't even make the full list for you here. There are so many ideas for how to make friends in the episodes. There is something there for you, but if this episode lit something up for you, go say hi to Hayleigh. She's an open book. Ask her about Bumble BFF, about building friendships as an adult in a new city. Ask her about running a podcast production agency, about entrepreneurship. That's normally what I message her about. No matter what, she loves talking about all of it, and she will message you back. She wasn't lying. You can find her website, socials, and podcast links in the show notes, and with that, we'll see you next week.

Alex Alexander:

Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you, but don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message — I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram; my handle is @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now, if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting, and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye— I'll be back with a new episode next week.

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Alex Alexander

Host