Filling Your Life With Transformational Spaces and Believing Mirrors With Debra Driscoll

A few years ago, Debra Driscoll was living in Brooklyn, navigating a long-distance relationship and a life split between the city and the sea. Then, in 2020, her world was turned upside down.

Instead of seeing this as a setback, Debra took it as an opportunity to fast-forward her dreams and create something beautiful. 

Now Debra is a spiritual teacher and energy guide who, from her home in Tobago, runs a thriving community, Big Life Magic, which is made up of people who are looking for a space to grow and transform, and for others to witness and celebrate their transformation. 

Today’s episode is all about finding those spaces where we can truly show up as ourselves – not just who we are now, but who we dream of becoming, filled with people who believe that anything is possible for us.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• Debra’s split life in New York City until 2020 – followed by her move to Tobago, where she started Big Life Magic, which focuses on spiritual guidance and energy work
• The concept of "believing mirrors,” where friends reflect and affirm each other's potential and dreams
• Not asking people about past or current selves, but instead: what do you want? Who do you hope to become? And how can I support you to get there?
• The power of getting out of your bubble and seeing other places, other people, and other ways to be in the world
• Advice for people looking to find similar transformational spaces for themselves and questions to ask themselves, like: what do I want in my life now? What do I need?

Resources & Links

Learn about Debra’s company, Big Life Magic, and her book, A Series of Surrendor: a Memoir of Grief.

See Friendship IRL Episode 91, “How to Stop Dreading Parties and Take Charge of Your Guest Experience.”

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!

This episode is sponsored by Slowly, a digital pen pal app used by over 10 million people worldwide. If you’ve been looking for a low-pressure way to connect with someone completely outside your normal friendship circle, this is it. Exchange letters at your own pace, no small talk panic required.

Download Slowly free and get 30% off Slowly Plus using my link: https://open.slowly.app/miXL/l8ei5iw6

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? hits shelves June 16. Get on the waitlist for pre-order bonuses + a first look.

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Transcript

Podcast Intro/Outro: 1:28

All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. Each week we talk about what is working(and what is not) in our friendships, community and connections. Have you ever wished you could sit down and have a conversation about what is really going on in your friendships? Well, you found your people. Join us as we dive into real life stories and explore new ways to approach these connections. Together, we're reimagining the rules of friendship

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 2:24

Today's episode is all about finding those spaces where we can truly show up as ourselves, not just who we are now, but who we dream of becoming. And I couldn't be more excited to introduce you to my guest, one of the many members of the friendship IRL community from all over the world. She's coming to us from the Caribbean island of Tobago. Debra Driscoll is a spiritual teacher and energy guide who has spent over 25 years helping people tap into their own magic. She's the founder of Big Life Magic and author of a series of surrender, a memoir of grief. But what makes today's conversation particularly fascinating is how Debra's own journey embodies the transformational power of community. You see, just a few years ago, Debra was living in Brooklyn, navigating a long distance relationship and a life split between the city and the sea. Then 2020 happened, and like so many of us, her whole world turned upside down. But instead of seeing this as a setback, she saw it as possibility, an opportunity to fast forward her dreams and create something beautiful today, from her home in Tobago, Debra runs a thriving online community of what she lovingly calls magic curious women. These are people who aren't just looking for connection. They're looking for transformation, for spaces to dream bigger, and for others who will witness and celebrate their journey. In our conversation, we explore how to find communities that feel expansive. Why having believing mirrors as in people that are our believing mirrors in our lives is crucial for transformation and how sometimes the most meaningful communities form in the most unexpected ways. So whether you are feeling a little bit isolated in your current season of life, or you're holding yourself back from changing because you fear that it means losing relationships in your life, or maybe you are simply curious about how to find more expansive communities. Today's conversation is for you. So let's dive in and explore the power of finding your people wherever they might be. With Debra Driscoll,

Alex Alexander: 4:46

Hi, Debra, how you doing?

Debra Driscoll: 4:48

I'm doing very well. Thank you.

Alex Alexander: 4:51

Or should I call you Deb? Is it Deb? Either one?

Debra Driscoll: 4:53

Either one works for me, either one.

Alex Alexander: 4:55

Well, I'm so grateful that you're here. I'm really excited to chat with you. I love the internet. It connects people from all over the place, and you are no different, because you are coming at us from the island of Tobago. Do you want to tell us a little bit about, like, where you live and what it's like

Debra Driscoll: 5:16

then, yeah, I live deep in the Caribbean. So I live in Trinidad and Tobago. And Trinidad and Tobago is at the bottom of the Caribbean in like if you look on a map, it's across from Venezuela in South America. So I say we're deep down here in the Caribbean, and so I have the privilege of living on this beautiful island, and I'm the Australian American who has somehow found herself living in the Caribbean.

Alex Alexander: 5:45

Look at that, all the identities up into one. How long have you lived there?

Debra Driscoll: 5:51

I've officially lived here for more than two years, but I've been connected to the island for more than five for the first couple of years, I was living up in Brooklyn, New York, and I would spend time in the island. I would come down during the winter I would come down when I had times when I didn't need to be in New York, because at the time, I was in a long distance relationship with the person who is now my husband. And so I had this split life between the city and the sea, but most of it up in the city because it was pre COVID And a lot of my work meant I needed to walk into the room to facilitate. And so my base was up in Brooklyn. But then when the whole world shifted in 2020 and everything went online, I found myself in this kind of fast forward moment, like it was always our plan that I would eventually move to the island. I just didn't, you know, pre COVID, I couldn't see when that was going to happen. And then, as we all experienced in 2020 everything changes, and suddenly we're an upside down world, and everything's pivoting and and it just became possible and real. It was like I could actually move to the island. Now,

Alex Alexander: 7:02

the ability to connect online and build businesses online. Sounds like, facilitate your work online? Yeah, makes a lot of things possible that were not possible before. Absolutely what kind of workshops you facilitate.

Debra Driscoll: 7:23

So my business is called Big Life Magic, and so I am a spiritual teacher and an energy guide, and I work with people one on one, but I also have an online community called the Big Life Magic makers. And so when I'm doing the one on one, work that's either intuitive guidance, or I work with people in a transformation from their big life loss to their big life, magic. And so there's, you know, different layers of deep work with people in that one on one space, but in the community space that I've created online, it's complete joy and connection and fun. And it's a community of women who I, I like to say, a magic curious people who, you know, they either want to add spiritual practice into their life, or they've been doing spiritual practice for years and they're wanting to get better at it. There's also a lot of women who, when I ask them, they just say, I just want to hang out with like minded people who want to talk about the things I want to talk about.

Alex Alexander: 8:25

I mean, I think that that is a very, very common want. I'm sure that there are a lot of people listening to this episode right now that are going to say, Yeah, that's exactly what I want. Yeah. I want to find like minded people, whether it's about the kind of work you do or about anything else. We all want people that we feel like get us.

Debra Driscoll: 8:47

Yeah, humans want to have a gang. You know, it's connected to our desire for connection and belonging. Yes, absolutely. And it's also our desire to want to be understood, to be accepted, to feel not only connected, but celebrated for who we are, to be able to see ourselves through somebody else, like through the reflection of somebody else. And you know, a powerful thing that happens in the Big Life Magic makers is that moment where someone says, Ah, me too. It's that breaking of isolation. It's like, oh, it's not just me who's feeling that this week or this month, or in my life, in this chapter, it's like, Oh me too.

Alex Alexander: 9:35

For as much time as we all spend in our heads, there's something so magical about realizing I don't even I don't use the word magical very often. That must be because I've been talking to you.

Debra Driscoll: 9:45

I'm rubbing off on you already,

Alex Alexander: 9:49

but there's something so magical about that moment where you've been in your head for so long, thinking that you're alone, and realizing that you're not the only person experiencing this thing or having this Feeling or considering an option, making a big change,

Debra Driscoll: 10:09

absolutely

Alex Alexander: 10:10

and when we just stay in our heads, it's so easy to believe that, like we're it,

Debra Driscoll: 10:16

and also it's easy when we stay in our head for that to become a big story, and for us to maybe not be the most heroic character In that story. It's like our stories can begin to twist upon themselves. We find ourselves in little rabbit warrens in our mind, and we've created them, and to us, they're real in our mind. It's not necessarily the most productive, comfortable, expensive, space to always be.

Alex Alexander: 10:49

This is making me think about something that I've realized lately, which is so I've done a lot of therapy, transformation work, like big, big stuff in recent years, and I was realizing recently that after maybe a particularly intense therapy session, or, I don't know, just being caught up in something as I'm trying to like work through it, that my natural inclination is to go out in the world, I think, a. Of people when I say that, I've had people say to me like, well, you know, maybe it'd be better to stay home and, like, self care and take care of yourself and whatnot. And what I realized is, I really like to go out in the world, because it makes me realize that there's more in the world than just me, that like other people are living their lives, that other people probably have similar feelings, and if I just shut myself up at home, like you're right, my stories would spin. I'm the main character. I'm the only one that exists and well, that's important to think of myself. I'm not saying don't do that. I'm saying that there's something about going back out into the world and realizing how big it is, that is really impactful for me. And that was just coming up because of what you were saying about, like the main character. Thing I hadn't really thought about that until now,

Debra Driscoll: 12:22

and where and how we see ourselves like, because I do the same here on the island, is I walk the beach daily, and most of the time that's in the morning. I go early in the morning to walk the beach and have what they call here the salt bath, which is, you know, a swim in the ocean. But there's some afternoons where I'm drawn back to the sea, and it's not because I necessarily want to swim or I feel like I need more exercise, or another walk on the beach. It's because I want to see the wide horizon. It's like I want to open up my mind. I want to be able to watch the little kid on the beach playing with the ball, or see the couple laughing together, or see the person on the side of the road selling the avocados, just so I can get out of my own way and to realize there's so many ways, and I can find a different way of being if I need to be, I can let go of something. If I need to let go of I am connected to this big, amazing, beautiful world. Look how wide that horizon is to me that's really important to come out of myself and to see myself as one member of an amazing, amazing web of all of us. And essentially, we're all just doing our best trying to figure it out.

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 13:41

Isn't that the truth? And even if we haven't figured it out, somebody else probably has

Debra Driscoll: 13:47

Yeah. And they're going to say that one thing you need to hear that day, so you get that moment of like, oh, yeah, me too.

Alex Alexander: 13:54

Or they're going to say the thing that cuts through all the worry and anxiety and options and analyzing all the possibilities. And they're going to say, well, you don't want to do any of the things that would leave you with no one to call or something. I'm just making something up. Like sometimes somebody can say something that cuts through and half the options are gone that you were weighing. And what a relief that is,

Debra Driscoll: 14:21

yeah. And then you get this clarity, yeah, which couldn't be hard to find on our own sometimes,

Alex Alexander: 14:27

when you do this work and you have your community, what draws people to it? Like, why are people coming right where we're talking about, like, finding like minded people. What do you think is the connecting factor of the group you've created.

Debra Driscoll: 14:48

you know, like I say magic, curious, and that's my words. That's not actually the words that the community would use. Because it's interesting that you asked this, because I recently asked the community, I was writing an article for a magazine around the importance of having community for our spiritual self care. So I thought, let me ask the members. So I asked on our platform, why did you join, or why did you stay? And yes, it begins with like, you know, I want to connect to others. I want like minded people. But there was a sense of people wanting to feel like I'm giving myself a red hot go at getting the life that I want. I'm actually turning up for myself, and that's for some members, and then for other members, it's actually about their self care. When they come to the events within our membership, it's the time that they've allocated. It was like, this is just for me. This isn't for how I turn up in my family, for how I turn up in my career or my work. This is for me, how I'm caring for myself. And definitely for some people, they're drawn towards it because they want to be a little bit more Woo. They want to know more about like, what I teach, and they want to be at the Moon Circles. And, you know, but really, in the Magic community that is only a select few members, no more than a few, you know this, it's definitely one of the threads, but it's not the major threat this. Want to connect to others, to care for self and to really feel like I'm in this, I'm in this, to do the best that I can for myself, because I have certain dreams, and I really want them to come true.

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 17:56

The thing that stood out to me there is just this idea that, how often are we showing up at things that are really like me being in a place or in a group, so I can help someone else versus myself. How many of us are moving through our day for others?

Debra Driscoll: 18:15

Yeah, it means something for business, or it means something for somebody else for some other reason. And I think traditionally, a lot of those spaces were the time that you spent with the therapist, or the time that you'd spent because you had booked in that massage that you think I should have that because maybe I deserve that, or you know that I these other spaces that we create for ourselves, whereas what I find in The Magic community is because it's a consistent space. People then also share with me around having the continuity, the consistency, the accountability, without being like accountable to I have to pass this or not pass this. I'm being qualified with how many times I've turned up, but the accountability to self around actually, how you turn up for yourself, and for that to be enough,

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 19:12

that common theme in so many friendship IRL episodes is appearing here, the theme of being intentional, of just pausing for a second. If we look at this group that Debra's talking about, we have this theme of consistency, right? Being consistent, showing up regularly that is intentional. It's making a choice, spending the time to reflect on the right group for you, or the interest that that group is involved in, or the support that you need, rather than just randomly picking something because it's where your friends are going, or you have been there before, or whatever other reason that just makes it feel easy, spending that time to reflect that's intentional, and finally, creating meaning for yourself when you are at that gathering or a part of that group, that is intentional. And if that's something that you could use help doing more of you can go listen to Episode 91 titled How to Stop dreading parties and take charge of your guest experience. Episode 91 although I know it says parties in the title, it's really about how to be intentional in any gathering, how to just ask yourself a couple questions before you walk in the room. And this can be as simple as as you're walking up the driveway and about to knock on the door like you don't need a ton of time, but if you just get in the habit of being a little more intentional, it can make a huge impact.

Alex Alexander: 20:43

I mean, this whole thing is so interesting because I think there's something to be said about like your group, and the name of your group and the slight woo that's in there, or the big Whoo,

Debra Driscoll: 20:53

yeah. I mean, we're Woo, yeah,

Alex Alexander: 20:56

like possibility. And so often we kind of like silo ourselves into this version, and it's so hard with the people around us to get them to see us as somebody new, absolutely. But when you go somewhere where the entire structure of the group is around possibility and magic and woo and you can show up in a way, and also, like, with people that don't have history of you and who you are, and maybe the ways that you've failed, or the times that you've tried and it hasn't quite worked out like nobody knows that in the group. So all that's there is potential,

Debra Driscoll: 21:42

yeah, potential and possibility. And then also, like, this community of cheerleaders, like someone says in the group, like, I'm wanting this for myself. I'm going to put this out there. And everyone's like, yeah, we want that for you, you know? And so this sense of not only connection, but also the connection, creates a web that can be underneath those desires and wants so that you can feel supported in being able to declare, this is what I want like. And for some people, what they want is deep, physical healing, because there's some people in the community who have worked through the the cancer diagnosis, the cancer treatment, the life beyond that. What does that look like? There's some people in the community who have chosen to leave long term marriages, and now they're trying to figure out, what does that look like. On the other side, there's some people in the community who are in their earlier 30s, and they're still trying to figure. Exactly who do I want to be as I'm growing up in this life. And then there's, you know, like the elder of our community, her realities completely shifted in the last couple of years, connecting to us. She's 83 and when she lost her long term husband, like they were married for I think it was 56 years, her question to herself was, it's like, what am I doing here? All my children are grown, my husband is gone. Like, what am I doing here and now? What she's doing is she's not only connected to us, she's connected to a community garden. She's studying neuroscience. She's been accepted as somebody who goes into, I can't remember, we call the ICU for little babies, where she does the NICU, that's it. NICU. Yeah, she's doing all these amazing things, and we get to celebrate that with her. And for everybody, it's like everybody gets to decide, you know, because then that's also a part of, like, the woo that we bring. We actually are working on connecting to your spirit, connecting to your intuition, connecting to if you can actually create whatever you want in this life. Well, what is that? What do you want? You know? So that's also threaded within the community of what I'm teaching, and the way that we connect and share, but for each of its it's a different thing.

Alex Alexander: 24:00

Do you think? And you may not know the answer to this, but I'm just curious, like, like, a lot of the people that joined your this group likely joined it because they weren't finding this in their everyday life. Do you think that once they've joined the group, they have been able to, like, take this into their everyday life? Because you just asked a question, right? You said, like, what do you really want? And that's probably a question we are not asking the people in our life enough.

Debra Driscoll: 24:32

I completely agree. This is a question I ask a lot in the community, like, what do you want? Because the whole idea of big life magic is that you get to create your own big life, and you get to weave whatever magic you want. And so I'm more often than not asking, What do you really want? What are you working on? What's developing in you? What's the edge? Where's your magic weaving right now? And what I have found within the community is, not only are people transformed by being in the community, you're correct in that it then transforms outside of this virtual space. But there's a few women who did not know each other before they joined the community, and now they would refer to each other as like really, really good friends, if not best friends, and deep confidants. And you know, we're a virtual community, so we're in more than one place across the world, but there are some members who do live close to each other, like there's a collection of women who live quite close to each other in Harlem, New York. And you know, they'll send me messages that they've all been out to brunch together and getting a pedicure and talking about different things, and it delights me so much that they are taking these connections beyond what I am facilitating, holding this space for that they have created time and space for these connections outside. And I think the other thing that shifts with people is the connection to what is a good connection for me, because I think a part of our friendships and our communities is like, as we evolve, our needs change like we don't necessarily need to stay connected to the same people that we were connected to a year ago or 10 years ago. Like our communities and our groups and our connections evolve just like we do.

Alex Alexander: 26:27

Yeah. I mean, I agree with that, and I think that although sometimes it's like doing the work of letting go of connections, I also think there's so much to be said about doing the work of like asking those more exploratory questions and letting the old version of that one relationship go, No, it's not always going to be worth it to do that work sometimes, really it is just a friend for a season, yeah, but what this whole conversation is making me think of is Like we spend so much time with our people talking about either the past or their very current version of themselves, when maybe we should be asking more questions about like, what do you want? Where do you want to go? What version of yourself do you hope is there in a few years? How can I help you get there

Debra Driscoll: 27:26

that's what I was going to say. How can I support that for you too, and

Alex Alexander: 27:30

then doing the work? Because every time you transform, you become a new version. That means that your friendship becomes a new version. Yeah. And sometimes you'll just let it go, but other times, like I. Think there's something so magical in those people who want you to be transforming, want you to be changing.

Debra Driscoll: 27:52

Yeah, not only want it, but can support it. So earlier this week, on my beach walk, I was listening to an audio book by an intuitive teacher who I follow, maybe others do as well, because she's quite well known. Her name is Sonia shocket, okay, and I was listening to her one of her books, because she has many, and she was talking about believing mirrors. And I was like, this is interesting. Like, this is a part of the audio book where you actually go back and listen a second time, because I really wanted to really hear what she was saying, and she was telling this story of years and years before she was a published author, she had a dream of wanting to write a book, but she believed, I'm not a good writer. I could never do that, like all of that stuff we're talking about, where you get caught in your head with a particular story you're telling yourself. And she had a good friend who wanted to be a clairvoyant, but didn't believe in her gifts of clairvoyance, etc, etc. And so her and her friend chose to be believing mirrors for each other, meaning in the reflection of how I see the other I see you as an amazing published author, and then the other friend would be, I see you as a clear clairvoyant, deep in your skill. And Sonia shares in the book that it wasn't immediate, but they maintain this through their friendship. They maintain this reflection for each other, seeing this, what I would call the higher frequency, the higher good, higher desire for the other. And Sonia shed like within six months, she had started writing her first book, which was published and did really well. And now she's written so many books, but she says, I don't know what would have happened to the author in me if I didn't have that friendship and that friend reflecting to me that I could be that. I mean, that's powerful, isn't it?

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 29:53

I think it's so powerful. And as somebody who has some of these mirrors in my life, I think that they are truly the reason I'm doing the things I do. Part of it's me, yes and like, I have to do the work, but in those low moments where you would give up having somebody else who believes in you will be the fuel for you to get up and take action the next day, instead of constantly having to self sustain, especially like in the beginning parts of transformation is when you're not seeing any validation that what you're doing is moving the needle for you,

Debra Driscoll: 30:34

yeah, and sometimes it's the reflection back, and sometimes it's just the affirmation. Or sometimes you just want a buddy, you know, someone who's on the ride with you, who you can share the funny moment or the the moment where you're feeling weaker in all of this change, like years ago when I chose sobriety a really good friend of mine, without the two of us knowing, in the same month, she also chose sobriety, and we're having a conversation on the phone, and she's saying that to me, and I was like, hold On a minute to be clear you, this is the choice you're making. She said, Yeah, I just decided this would be good for me. And I was like, This is amazing. I just decided this would be good for me. And both of us were just the first couple of weeks into sobriety. And for anyone who's made a big change like sobriety or any of these other transformations in your life, there's a few chapters. You know, it's more than a couple of weeks. We just became sobriety sisters. And, you know, like she would send me the message when she would go out to dinner, and it was people she would normally go out to dinner with, and she would normally order the glass of wine, and then she wasn't and how hard that was, but then how proud she was at herself after for not doing it. And it just made a difference that she could send that message to me, and I could send her a message saying it's really hot on the island today, and everyone around me is drinking cold beer. I can taste it, but I know I'm not going to order it, and to not have that just sitting in my head, not have that just sitting with me, but to actually be able to share that with someone really made a difference.

Alex Alexander: 32:12

I've been working on some articles and things related to intimacy in our friendships, and I think that this is such a beautiful reminder to people that sometimes I think there's a lot of focus on sharing our past as a form of intimacy and vulnerability in our connections, when there is so much intimacy and vulnerability in sharing like our hopes, our dreams. Is our goals, our vision, and having somebody believe in you, like believe that you will go out on the hot, nice day and not order a beer, that your friend will go out to dinner and not order the wine like they really, truly do believe that that's like such a beautiful example of a way that we can feel more connected to our friends that has nothing to do with sitting down and reliving all the worst things from

Debra Driscoll: 33:22

Our past, no or being caught in a loop of always needing to see the person in the same way, like going back to what we're talking about before, about allowing friendships to evolve, allowing ourselves to evolve with them.

Alex Alexander: 33:38

And sobriety as an example, I have some episodes coming up about that, but like, you're a whole new version of yourself, right? So now it's a new version of your friendship. So many of the ways you spent time together, the topics you talked about, so many things change and having to navigate that.

Debra Driscoll: 33:58

Yeah, and it changes in sobriety. It changes if you've had a big diagnosis. It changes if you've chosen to get divorced, it changes, as if you decide to have children or not have children, like there's all of these different moments where there's a clear before and after

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 34:13

and a process too, the showing up as yourself in the messy middle and as the before and as the after, yeah, and having Somebody that's along with you for the ride. Yeah, and something so beautiful. I think that probably your community illustrates this. It sounds like there are some people who found these maybe more robust friendships in there, but there are also people who just show up and get to be who they are and have people believe in them that they can transform, or they can go after what they want, and it may just be that consistent moment every week, and it's not this all encompassing friendship,

Debra Driscoll: 34:58

yeah, absolutely like you're making me think of one member of ours who she's quiet, and she has this really beautiful, calming presence. And it's, you know, it's always lovely to be in her company, but she's not the loud. Let me tell you the story of this week member. And there was one magic circle we were in, and I felt drawn to ask her, is there anything you want to share? And I don't normally do that. People would normally share freely. It's like, you don't get called upon, like in school, but I felt drawn towards this member on this one day and saying, Is there anything that you want to share? And she unmuted herself and said, Actually, yeah. Like, it's hard for me to speak up. It's not what I'm used to, but you're right. I do want to say something now and then she did share some deeper edges, and, you know, to use your words, some intimate parts of what was happening for herself and in her heart. And the response from the members was like a wave of compassion, love, support, and what happened after that? Not like, definitely in the immediate like, there was a complete leaning into the Zoom screen, there was a holding of this member. But now what I'm also seeing is that there's deeper connections beyond that moment. And it doesn't mean that suddenly this member has to be loud and in every conversation, you can just feel a deeper anchor in the community for this member, and you can also see other members watching out for her, and that's the same for not only this one member, but for a few other members. It's like their position within the community is more about listening and their own reflection, rather than needing to be the person who wants to share every time we get together, and that's okay, because we're there for that moment when it's like, actually today, I have something to say.

Alex Alexander: 36:59

I mean, it just sounds like such a beautiful space that you've cultivated, yeah, for people to show up and allow. I mean, allow, yeah, allow. But also, you know, everything is possible, and you can make these transformations, do these things, share in these passions. And so many people need that, like are not finding it in their everyday lives.

Debra Driscoll: 37:28

That's it. It's like also needing that for it to be a space just for that, like it doesn't have to connect to your family or your children or your work or your because I'm I have the absolute delight of still being really. Really close with all of my best friends from high school. It's an amazing friendship group. I'm also more than you know, I need more spaces like we call the magic membership. We call it our home. And so if you just get to come home, and there's a couple of members who, when they when they join the zooms, which we call our magic circles, they say, oh so nice to be back with my soul sisters. You know, it's just like, I never put those words into the community. It was like, this is just actually how people are feeling. And I didn't realize in the creation of this community what it was going to mean for me.

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 38:24

I don't know about you, but as I listen to this, I'm just so caught up in the beauty of holding space that that's what Debra's doing here. Like, sure, she created this group as part of her business, right? Coaching, facilitating, leading, but you don't have to have a business or be a coach to create space. You can do this. And if that sounds like something you would like to do, then here is my suggestion. Okay, pick a consistency, pick a time, a place, a cadence, and then invite a few people who feel aligned. Or it could just be one person. Every group starts normally, is just two people talking about an idea, and then it normally grows from there, between the two of you, realign, recalibrate on the time and the space, I would get really intentional about this, and then you're going to talk about what you're doing here together. What is the point of this group? So if I'm thinking of a space where you are in that growth mindset, that transformation opportunity, right? You might make some rules, like, we really only talk about the future, maybe a little bit about the present, but like, the majority of our conversations are focused on who we are becoming and how we are doing that you can make rules about. Like we always cheer each other on. If you have a big event, or you're running that race, or you're whatever, like I will be there for you. Tell me what day and time and I will do my best. You can make a rule about how you are going to check in on each other at a regular cadence. Now, maybe this just stays between you and one person, or maybe this spreads. Maybe you and this friend start talking about this and you end up with a few friends that meet up regularly. Maybe it's not even your closest friends. It could be friends of friends or acquaintances or people that you have met in other communities. I guess. What I'm trying to say is that if you want a transformational space like the one that Debra is talking about, there are tons of coaches out there who are holding space. I hope you find the right one, but you can also create something very similar for yourself, so you don't have to wait. No more waiting. Take some action. Give it a try. I've definitely done things like this before, and it can be super powerful, even just two people.

Alex Alexander: 41:03

So to close out this episode, if somebody's listened to this and they now realize that they need to find spaces that allow for possibility and transformation and showing up for who you are, but also your journey and what you hope to be. What advice would you give someone who's looking for spaces like that?

Debra Driscoll: 41:28

I think first, like, check in with yourself. And back to that question, what do I really want? And then the second question to ask is, what do I really need? Like, do I need more people who will laugh with me? Like, is my life getting too serious, too bogged down in paying the mortgage and making sure the kids eat enough vegetables? Like, I just made up that example. I don't know why, but maybe speaking to somebody in the audience, but it's like, what do I want? Second question, what do I need? And then create the like, have them as guiding stars. Where can I find that? Start asking other people, where are you turning up? What groups are you in finding the different ways that we do connect and like because for some people, you don't want to connect online. You want to connect actually, in person, you want to connect doing something physical. So you're like, Okay, I want to find a walking group. For some people. It is. I want the sense of being able to sit in my own, in my in my room, and have this private community. It's like, great. Well, you actually want an online community then, but get really curious about yourself and give yourself a red hot go. Like, be honest. What is it that I. Want, what is it that I need? And then believe that you can find it.

Alex Alexander: 42:48

I think that last part is really key. It is out there.

Debra Driscoll: 42:51

It is out there, yeah, and

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 42:53

if it isn't, I firmly believe that most people, if you just start asking for it, you might end up being the one that creates it, because other people want

Debra Driscoll: 43:02

what you want, very out there, very possible.

Alex Alexander: 43:06

Deborah, thank you so much for being here, for sharing all your magic.

Debra Driscoll: 43:10

Yes, yes, you're going to be saying it now.

Alex Alexander: 43:13

I am. I'm excited for people to listen to this.

Debra Driscoll: 43:15

Yeah. Thank you so much. What a delight.

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 43:18

I'm leaving this conversation inspired. This is a reminder to me, I have been in communities like this. I have created communities like this. I've held space like this for friends and friends of friends. It's just a reminder of how powerful it is, and to keep prioritizing it, that's what I'm taking away. Now I want to tell you that if you heard Debra's suggestion there at the end about those two questions, don't let them overwhelm you. That is very common to happen to people that they want to sit down and they want to these big journaling sessions, they need to take weeks and time and really nail it in, like, don't do that. If anything, set a limit to the amount of time, just do a little bit of brainstorming and then take some sort of action, the group that you join, initially, the space you create initially, it may not be what you're actually looking for. It may not be that one that really is going to impact you or change you, or create the container that you need. It might just be a stepping stone, but that stepping stone might lead to the connection that you need to get where you're going, or it might show you a different group or different person. You might meet new people. It also might show you what you don't want. That's just as powerful. You know, if we've been in our brains really convinced we want a certain thing, I've done this, we have to have all done this. It can't just beat me. There's no way I have had my brain so set on the way I think it's gonna go. I join a group, I meet the person, and then I realize I don't like this at all. And you know what? The only way to know was to go and do it and take action. So that's really what I'm trying to tell you here. And if you need examples of how to take action, then the good news is you are in the right place. This podcast, the entire focus is on how we are taking action, on the connections in our life. So you can go dive into any other episode for ideas, and if you're like, I don't know which episode to listen to for my exact situation or the goals I have or the transformation I seek. Then send me a DM, send me an email, send me a message, tell me what you're looking for, and I'll tell you which episode to go listen to, and with that, I'll talk to you next week.

Alex Alexander: 45:53

Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye. I'll be back with a new episode next week.