Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

How Jenna Myhre Deyle Moved Across the Country to Live Closer to Friends

• Alex Alexander • Episode 65

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How close do you live to your friends? Next door? Down the street? Or do many of your friends live on the other side of the country? 

Today’s guest, Jenna Myhre Deyle, actually made a cross-country trip in order to be closer to friends. Before the move, she’d been married, was climbing the corporate ladder, but after her divorce, she couldn’t shake a certain level of unhappiness. 

Linked in our show notes is an article that cites some amazing statistics – that a person is 8 percent happier living with a spouse, 14 percent happier living within a mile of your siblings, and 25 PERCENT happier a mile from your friend.

Jenna’s move to the midwest to be closer to friends is an out-of-the-box decision – and it’s one of the reasons I’m so excited to have her on the podcast today. Whether we realize it or not, our proximity to friends can tremendously impact our happiness.

In this episode you’ll hear about:

  • Jenna’s story about “checking off the boxes” – getting married, moving up the corporate ladder, etc. – only to realize she was deeply unhappy
  • The major decision Jenna made, calling her company’s VP about her wish to move back home to Kansas City, not matter what that meant for her future employment
  • Society’s understanding of what success is and the idea that if you’re unhappy you should self-care your way out of it
  • Jenna’s intentional work to make new friends/communities besides the friends she already had in Kansas City – and the impact this made on her perspective and career


Resources & Links:

The Wheel of Connection Framework, it’s the cumulative impact of everyone in your life.

Check out “You’d Be Happier Living Closer to Friends. Why Don’t You?” by Anne Helen Petersen.

Like what you hear? Visit my website, leave me a voicemail, and follow me on Instagram and TikTok!

Want to take this conversation a step further? Send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting and use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out!


Podcast Intro/Outro:

All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. My friends, they would tell you I like to ask the hard questions. You know who I am in the group? I'm the person that's saying,"Okay, I'm gonna ask this question, but don't feel like you have to answer it." And now, I can be that friend for you too.

Alex Alexander [Narration]:

How close do you live to your friends? Next door? Down the street? Maybe you're roommates? Or are most of your friends across the country? The reason I'm asking is because I saw some stats today that really stopped me in my tracks a little bit. Like if you had asked me, does living near your friends make you happier? I would say yeah, because I work in this field all the time. But how much happier really stopped me in my tracks? So there is a study in the Harvard Gazette that uses the Center for Epidemiological Studies depression index, this is a standard metric, where researchers found that an individual is 25% happier when they live within a mile of a friend. Now, let's compare that when you live with a spouse, they estimate that it increases your happiness 8%. If you live within one mile of your siblings, it is a 14% increase. If you take it a step further, and you and your friend live nearby, so close that you are neighbors, that is a 34% increase. Those are pretty big jumps. Today's episode is with Jenna Myhre Deyle. Jenna reached out to me because she made a cross-country move to live closer to friends. You see, Jenna was on autopilot. She got married, she moved across the country, she was climbing the corporate ladder, and she decided to get a divorce. She followed that job to a new market actually pretty close to me. And when she just couldn't shake a certain level of unhappiness, she realized that even if it meant losing a decade long career, she was going to move back to the Midwest to be closer to friends. And I think that's a pretty bold move. That is not something that societally we really even present as an option. Believe me, I know. I can't tell you how many friends I have pitched to move back. This is really out of the box, which is why I was so excited to have Jenna on the podcast today. The thing about living close to friends is that there are endless viral,viral videos out there that show this aspirational picture of people being next door neighbors or buying houses on the same street, people who buy big plots of land and build a bunch of houses or move in together, there are even the videos or the stories about people who move into the same retirement community. And they go viral for a reason. Because it seems like a dream. I know my friends and I have kind of joking, but pretty darn serious conversations about when we're going to buy that plot of land. And so in today's episode, I just really want you to think about whether or not you've ever considered moving closer to a friend. Maybe you have maybe you haven't. But if you have, what would it really take to do that? And what would your life really look like? And what might you gain? And what would you have to give up? I know those are a lot of really big questions. But I do think that for some people who are just on autopilot, they really might be worth asking. With that, let's get to today's episode.

Alex Alexander:

Hi, Jenna. I am so excited you're here. From the sounds of it, you had a good day to day. How are you?

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

Yeah. It's a good day for sure, excited to end it on the sidenote.

Alex Alexander:

Well, I appreciate that compliment. That's great. I am excited that you're here. I'm... like selfishly, your story, I don't know, aligns with my beliefs. So like I'm excited to get to share that. You're one of those people, I say this sometimes you can was on here, and it's like you're doing the thing. You are putting in the work to build the community and friendships and connections that you want. So with that, your backstory is very important, I think. Will you tell people a little bit about the last few years? I would say, it might be more than that of your life?

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

Yeah. I mean, I think to get the whole picture, it's probably more like the last 11 years. So I graduated college. I'm from Wisconsin, I like to say that because I graduated college in Minnesota, there's a big difference between Wisconsin and Minnesota despite what Minnesotans will tell you. But I started working for the company that I still work for today. Almost 13 years ago, I worked for them for a year in Minnesota. And then I had the opportunity to move to a really anywhere, they asked me where I wanted to be. And I said somewhere warm in a big city. And that landed me in Dallas, Texas for just over eight years. Moving to Dallas was kind of easy. I was married at the time, we moved together, I was really young in my career. So they all to really kind of come up in the company with peers and make great friends that way. 2020 here and I had a, you know, affectionately called a COVID divorce. And at that point, my company was looking for someone to start up the role. I was in on the West Coast, I thought what a great idea. I've moved. Once I did it successfully, I can do it again. And I don't really have anything tiny here. So I made a brilliant decision to move to Washington State just outside of Portland, July 2020 was a very different situation. Right? I didn't have that support system of a partner. I was, by that point, 32. So, you know, I didn't really have like peers in the company that I could connect with the same way I had at 24. And that part of the country, I know you're from Seattle, it's you know, the Seattle freeze.

Alex Alexander:

Yeah, you told me this story the first time and I was like, oh, yeah, I know.

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

As a small town Wisconsin girl, like it was not the place for me to build a community, I like to say it's a really great place to visit. It's beautiful. That's not necessarily a great place to build a life for yourself. So at that point, I only stayed there for 16 months total. At month, probably 12 or 13, I made the really scary decision to call my vice president and my direct report and say, "Hey, I made a mistake. I cannot be here. This is not good for me personally. I don't feel like I'm giving the company 100%. And I'm ready to move back to the Midwest, specifically Kansas City where my best friends were living at the time." I would kind of escape Portland to Kansas City several times. They asked me that... you know, I really thought in that phone call, like I was blowing up my whole creer.

Alex Alexander:

Yeah. I mean, I think a lot of people would think that.

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

Yeah, and I literally told my VP like, I don't care if I ever get promoted again. I want to move to Kansas City. And he I mean, he was fantastic. He was like, it's not a big deal. He's like, at this point, you've been with us, you know, 10 plus years, you're allowed to make a bad decision. He did try to talk me into like, either going back to Wisconsin, or going to Colorado, because that would have kind of served the company's needs better at the time. But I stuck to my guns of like no, the place for me to really like put down roots and be there for a long time and find the community and fulfillment that I need, it's Kansas City. So yeah, so I moved back, you know, genius movie drive, like 24 hours from Dallas to Portland. And then you drive a year, not even a year and a half later, another 24 hours to end up eight hours from where I started essentially. When I got to Kansas City, I was very intentional about building that life and that community that I think you talk about on your... your podcast, every episode. And yeah, that's kind of what got me where I am today.

Alex Alexander:

We will get there, we'll get to what you built. I want to talk about just like two things that you said specifically, I want to point them out to people. The first one is the whole Seattle freeze. So a couple things. Just to clarify for anybody that is confused that has not been to the Pacific Northwest. I will confirm what you said, which is somebody described it to me one time as the Pacific Northwest is the place where you'll be in a big group of people, and they'll be talking about how they're gonna go do something this weekend, they're gonna go hang on a park. And they will say,"Oh, we're doing this thing and it's gonna be so fun." And they will never invite you. Does that align with your experience?

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

Yeah. That's a really simple way to explain it. I like that.

Alex Alexander:

Yeah, it's like hard to break in. Two groups if you've moved here, and I've heard that from multiple people. As somebody who was born and raised here, I try and be really aware of that. But I think anybody who's listening who's never been here or lived here might think that you're, I don't know, being dramatic or something like this is really how it is. It is very different in other parts of the country. A great example of someone who's from Seattle is the first time I ever went to New Orleans, I was walking down the street. And random people walking past me were like, "Hey, have a good day. How are you doing?" Like, talking to me. And again, we don't do that in Seattle. I was like, oh, we say hi, here. Okay, so like that really is the culture of Seattle, you're totally correct. Also, things were very shut down in the Pacific Northwest and 2020 for a very long time, because every part of the country had different levels of shutdown. It was very shut down, like, windows boarded up. So for anybody listening, your experience, I am not shocked whatsoever.

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

I think when I moved to Washington, the rule was like you couldn't dine out in public with anyone you didn't live with? Yeah, unfortunately, my cats aren't the best dining companions. So that was pretty rough.

Alex Alexander:

Yeah, yeah. I mean, even if you had gotten out, it still would have been hard. And the frequency at that time would have been so limited. That they probably felt impossible, and it probably was pretty close to impossible at that point. The other thing you said, you know, as you called your boss, and you said that you knew where you wanted to go. And you weren't budging, you weren't going somewhere else. And I just want to point that out, because what I heard this time, and the first time he told me that is that you were prioritizing, basically your social wellness over other areas of your life, like you were not going to sacrifice here, because you felt like it was so impactful for your overall well being and mental health, that you were willing to leave a company you worked at, for over a decade at that point, right? To support this area of your life. And I really want to commend you for that, because we are told through societal messages that this as an adult, and by this, I mean, like our community, our friendships, our connections, our support system, like this shouldn't really make the priority list. So many other things are more important, especially your job. And so for you to say, this is so important, I'm willing to kind of blow up and restart my career if I must, is really something a lot of people should think about. Because I think a lot of people out there are in situations where they feel as desperate as you were, but they could never imagine putting their foot down like you did. Like did it feel overwhelming to tell your boss that?

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

Yes, a little bit. It was one of probably my hardest conversation I've ever had in my career just going into it. I mean, I guess if I had worked for someone else, it might have turned out differently. I don't know if it would have ever gotten to the point of like, okay, you're done here. I think, you know, I told them like... I mean, and I should point out, this wasn't just a matter of me like relocating doing the same job. I was in sales at the time, which means you have territory lines, right? There was a gentleman who's one of my favorite people in my company who was covering where I was going to be moving. And our team was pretty small. There's only like six of us at the time. So when they said like, hey, Denver, Madison, right? It was like, these are open spots. Kansas City was not open. So Ken, one of my great friends, he was in the St. Louis market, he was covering St. Louis over to Omaha. I call him before I had this conversation. And I was like, hey, just an FYI. I don't know what's going to happen. This is a conversation I'm going to have, I don't want to step on your feet, right? And he's a fantastic person. He was like,"Listen, I know how unhappy you've been since you moved out there. Like if I have to give up some territory for you to be able to be the old Jenna, then I'm fine with that." And so I talked to my direct reports basically just kind of like they shifted him and they made the spot for me and stuff. So I kind of thought it was gonna go more of like, okay, you can stay with the company, but maybe you got to like transfer departments or go like, you know, take a demotion, whatever it would be. I didn't think I was going to come to the point of like, you're not going to be here. But it wasn't just my boss and my VP enabling me to do that. But it was also my co workers like giving up things to allow me to be my best self. So... and that's why I've been with this company for so long is because that's like, really baked into our culture, I think, is to support each other.

Alex Alexander:

I mean, what a beautiful kudos to your company for creating that culture and then acting on it. And not just like the leadership but the people in it. That's what we all want. Like, that's great.

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

Yeah, it's been my only like, real adult job. So I've been incredibly lucky with that side of things. Yeah.

Alex Alexander [Narration]:

Do you see why I wanted to have Jen on the podcast? I love her story. It's so specific. Right? She has done the quote unquote,"right thing". She has followed the path, the job, the spouse, right? And she's ended up in a place in which she said, I'm not happy. I don't want to be here. And so often societal messages tell us that we need to self care our way out of that, that we need to get outside and learn to meditate or take up a new hobby. And sure, that might be it. But at what point do you ask yourself, I just want to be surrounded by people that I know and care about? For a lot of people, that's going to be a question that falls very, very, very far down the list. Which is why I love hearing Jenna's story, because she very quickly was like, this could be the solution to my problem. Now, I touched on this in here. But I think something's really important to call out is just society's understanding of what success is. This is not the first time I've talked about this on this podcast, it will not be the last. But the societal messages that tell you that success is finding a partner, having some kids and then finding the right house to settle down. And in certain areas, I do personally feel like we're starting to question that. But some of those questions, I think, are being left off the table. Mainly, this question of community and connection and friendship and support. There's something here about this idea of like, what if we admit it to ourselves? Like, I want to be near people that I've been close to for over a decade? What if we admitted, I want to do this season of life with people I care about? What would that look like? And if that appeals to you at all, then it's probably time for some reflection, and some questioning of what success looks like and what might bring you some happiness. Questions like, do I even want this? Questions like, what beliefs would I have to rewrite to actually make changes and prioritize this in my life? And finally, what would it take to make this happen?

Alex Alexander:

Before you made that call, I'm just curious, I don't know what the answer is. Did you know that the friendship community piece was the answer? Or did you ever try and convince yourself that you needed to change other areas of your life? Like you should just, I don't know, journal or meditate or become a yogi or do something else like basically self care your way out of it to make yourself happier?

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

I never really had that feeling. I knew... so John and Haley who are my best friends, they're married, I was actually the best man in their wedding last year. Not just them, but a couple of other our good friends as well. They're out in the DC area. They were really my support system in that COVID time, right? We all kind of like turn to like Discord and teams and all these like, you know, like the Zoom Happy Hour type stuff. So I mean, I remember 2020, my birthday is the day after Christmas. I was total locked down in Washington. I was traveling for work still in the Pacific Northwest to some extent, so I couldn't go home and be with my family. And we literally like all got on a Zoom call and watched a movie and like, drink mimosas. Right? And so I just knew, like, Haley and John are in my life for a long time. But they had really stepped up a different level supporting me through the divorce and the move and all that stuff. And so I just knew that was, you know, I was in therapy and that sort of stuff. And like, I just woke up one day. And I'd actually like when I left Dallas, Haley and John had always been like, "You should move to Kansas City, you'll be happy." And I was like, "Your airport sucks and Texas barbecues are better." Like, I had all these reasons I didn't want to be in the Midwest again. I think it was kind of like this, like this thing in my head of like, I left the Midwest. I left that small town for a reason. And not that Kansas City is a small town compared to Dallas. It is, right? And so it was like I just woke up one morning and like was like, You know what? I'm gonna move to Kansas City. And my original thought was, well, I don't know that my company will let me. Maybe I should like start looking outside of the company for other jobs. And I like kind of thought about that for like maybe a week or two. And I was like, you know what? I'm just going to ask my leadership. Like, what's the worst-case scenario here? And it was like, I mean, it was a decision that was made that fast. I don't think there was ever anything else that I was like, this can fix it, it would have to be my support system that could fix it.

Alex Alexander:

I mean, kudos to you for that. Because societal messages really push this idea that you're supposed to be able to go it alone. And, you know, like, in order to be successful, and take care of yourself, you should just self-care your way out of it. So it was like it was your experience. I was just curious of your experiences. But I do think there's a lot of people out there who would have been in your situation and said,"Well, I just need to fix myself. Because I'm unhappy."

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

I remember... like so first off on the going it alone thing, I hated living alone. I know some people may love that. For me, I was like, in this luxury apartment and a tiny little studio with my animals and like, I hated it. I was absolutely miserable in the situation. And I remember talking to one of our good mutual friends in DC, once I made the decision to go to Kansas City. I asked him, I was like, "Do you think I'm taking the easy path? Like what you're saying, right? Like, I was like, am I taking the easy pathway?" And Alec was like, "Maybe you are, but that's okay. Like it's okay to take that easy pathway, right?" And I was like, "Okay, great."

Alex Alexander:

So interesting, though, that we think that like, meeting others, or leaning on others is the easy pathway versus forcing ourselves to just like, trudge through it by ourself for a really extended period of time. I'm happy your friend said that to you told you. It was not the easy path. And if it was, then who cares? Because like, whatever. Why do we need to make it hard? Okay, so you moved. Very exciting. Congrats, obviously. And what was it like after you moved? Like, what did you... you'd obviously made this decision to be really intentional that this was important in your life. So how did that show up for you?

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

When I originally moved, I moved in with John and Haley. Their house kind of seems like the rotating friend house.

Alex Alexander:

Like my house.

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

Right. Like there was someone that was there before me, and we kind of overlapped for a little bit. And then I actually like as I was moving out, another one of our mutual friends who was going through a divorce and a rough patch was moving in, right? Like they're, they're kind of the house where people come to recover and get back on their feet, I guess. So number one, that was awesome. Having my two favorite people who are the most supportive, wonderful, you know, I can't say enough good things about them. And just being with them and coming home from work to people that were supportive, and we're on the same team as me was just what I needed that time. You know, there's part of me where I'm like, I'm 32 and I'm moving in with like, a couple of friends, like, am I failing as an adult? But ultimately, like, it really helped me get back like my emotional balance. And then the other part is, is I tried to be very intentional with not just relying on them to be everything to me, right? I definitely invested time and energy into developing other relationships, and other friendships and networks and communities outside of just them and their friends. Again, all wonderful people, nothing negative to say. But it's, you know, I just was like, I can't have it all be in one bucket, I'm not going to do that. Like in Texas, my bucket was my job. And everyone was... even some really great friends today are people that are either still with my company, or maybe they haven't been with my company, but we're still friends. And that was my Texas bucket. And I just didn't want to be in that same situation again, and in any capacity.

Alex Alexander:

I mean, that makes sense. Because what happens if, even for good reason, like even if you got a job opportunity somewhere else, if all your friends were work related, and that's really all you had, although some of them would probably make it or you know, you'd stay connected to people, it's a lot of pressure to transition, every single one of your friendships as you navigate transitioning a job. Versus, you know, if you've built friendships in other areas, those other ones are probably pretty unaffected. They'll continue on as normal. They'll feel comfortable as you navigate these others. I think that was a really smart, intuitive thing for you to do. Did you also... and I know the answer. I don't even know why I'm asking this as a question. Talk a little bit about like the lean in and the community aspect of it too, because not only did you try and develop one on one friendships, you also decided to supplement with some community connection.

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

I just can't speak highly enough of Kansas City. The level of community that's just threaded through everything in this city is so different than most of the places I've lived. You know, just use an example. Like, you know, we have the Chiefs and it's a big sports city. But like people also love our baseball team. And they love our soccer team, our professional men's soccer team, professional women's soccer team. And it's like, I used to joke when I lived in Texas, no one's more proud of their state than Texas. But like, no one's more proud of their city than Kansas City. Like if you walk downtown on a Friday night, the amount of people you'll see wearing like, I love Kansas City shirt is kind of absurd in a good way.

Alex Alexander:

I gotta come visit. I gotta experience this.

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

Yeah, like people in New York, if a real New Yorker was caught, like would not be caught dead wearing I love New York shirt, right? But Kansas City like, I mean, I have probably like 10 Kansas City shirts, sweatshirts, etc. And so just that thread of community is just really strong here. And so I was really lucky when I moved here. I knew about Lean in. And I was like, maybe I'll find a lean in circle to find other women to connect with. Because the other thing about my company is we are about 80% Men, right? So it's like I want some professional women to connect with. And so through trying to find lean in, I got introduced to this nonprofit in Kansas City called central exchange. It's a networking group for professional women. It's been around since the 70s. But just some really, really amazing women that are part of it. So they do a lot of like professional development, networking opportunities, etc. So I joined that last, I want to say like April or May timeframe, it's been really good. It's counts for like my professional development hours for work, my work takes care of it, you know, I run out. So probably once a week, I usually have something for them, like it might just be over lunch one day, we get a chance to hear from like Kansas City based CEOs and a lot of other women, I've done workshops for them, etc. And then through there, they were kind of the ones managing like the lean in network, we've kind of expanded beyond that this summer. So Lean In now is kind of its own stand up organization in Kansas City. Lean In Kansas City, that's, you know, overseen by the Greater Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In national group or international group. And so just actually, last month, in August, I joined the leadership team for that. I've been hosting a circle for them for about eight months. And then I stepped into the, you know, silly title, but head of circles role. So I oversee, like, when someone submits a thing, an application or an interest survey, then I try to get them into a circle. Or if someone wants to lead a circle, I kind of go through all the resources, all that and just help promote lean in Kansas City, which is fantastic. It's just been super rewarding. So I'm really excited to start giving back to that group and that community in Kansas City.

Alex Alexander:

Yeah, and what I love here is, you really thought about the areas that you could supplement in your life, like being in a very male dominated company. So you are going to supplement with more female business leaders to connect with, you were gonna step into this leadership role at work with the women's circles. Like it wasn't just you walked out there. And like, yeah, I'm gonna join some groups, whatever sounds good. You like really thought about the areas of your life that would feel fulfilled, or supplemented with the various organizations that you've chosen to participate in.I think that's really important to know.

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

For me, you know, I've also I shifted roles. Once I did move here, like probably four months after I moved here, I get ended up taking a different position where I'm now more on like the professional development coaching leadership side of our business instead of direct sales. And what that's allowed me to do is really, honestly have a better work life balance than I could. I could have probably had a better work life balance. When I was in sales. If I go back to 2019, which was like my last normal year of selling, I spent an average of 12 nights a month in a hotel. And my company was it for me. And I'm not saying that it's my company's fault I got divorced, but to act like spending 12 nights a month in a hotel, and then I get divorced and 2020 isn't somehow correlated. Clearly there's something there. And so one of the things I've done a lot of work on is not just developing friendships and community for myself, like on a personal level, but that greater professional life, like building that network, and it's just such a good thing because I think when... for the first, you know, 11 years of my career, I was so inwardly focused on our company, I thought I could get everything that I needed out of it. And so a lot of what I've done out It the company is now like developing that greater professional life to, like fill my cup with the female stuff. It's just, it's every time I go to a Central Exchange event, I need to be like, pumped for my life. And that bleeds into my work in a really positive way. But then also continue to develop and bring fresh ideas from outside in. So I've done a lot with like the Association for Talent Development, which is all for people that work in, you know, adult learning, corporate training. I'm actually doing a breakout session for the ATD Kansas City Chapter next month. And that's just like, again, it's this great networking opportunity. And it just gives me like this fresh, fulfilling perspective that I can bring back into being like a more positive, well-rounded employee, right?

Alex Alexander:

Yeah, I think a lot of people are gonna resonate with what you were talking about, right? Because what we're told to do is kind of just check these boxes, like get a job, get a career, climb up the ladder, get married, buy a house, get a pet, yada, yada, yada. And is that really what you want? And now that you kind of had a mix everything up and get really smart about it and intentional. You're like, screw, you know, forget all the checkboxes. I'm just gonna do what feels right and supplement and like build this greater system for myself. I really commend you for that.

Alex Alexander [Narration]:

So I have developed couple of frameworks, one of which is my wheel of connection framework. You can go to the shownotes, there is a blog post on my website that breaks this down for you. But basically, the short of it is that quite often conversations around friendship are separate from conversations about family and romantic partnership and community. It's like there are different silos. When in reality, it is the cumulative impact of all the people in our lives. And so I developed this framework to show that it includes everything from your family of origin, your formal communities, acquaintances, four different types of friendships, family of choice, and your past friendships. But the reason I bring this up I want to point this out is because Jenna has talked in this episode about how she is investing and adding and supplementing and shifting and tweaking so many areas of connection, right? We've heard her talk about shifting up her entire family of choice getting a divorce, we have heard her talk about joining formal communities, some of which are professionally focused, her job is important, not to mention her job is a formal community, where when she goes to those communities, to the Lean In groups and the other community organizations, she is meeting acquaintances and people who provide familiarity. Not to mention where you live is actually a formal community, right? Formal communities are these places you go, these groups where you feel like I belong here. And Jenna just mentioned that Kansas City is apparently somewhere I need to visit, because it is so welcoming, that she already has this sense of I belong here. Then we have this idea that we have all these friendships around us, which she has decided are important,. So important, she is going to shift her life to live closer to those friends. But she doesn't want to put all of her focus on just that one friendship, all that pressure. So she's going out there again, joining normal communities, meaning acquaintances, making new friends, supplementing and adding to build her own unique support system of people and as the cumulative impact of all of those.

Alex Alexander:

A lot of people, because they are following the path they're supposed to be on and they check the boxes and they do the next thing, a lot of people lean into community and connection and realize how important this is after one of those boxes is blown up. It's very common. Somebody finds themselves like you gone all the time, feeling very disconnected and their life is like 95% work and they have no time for anything else. They were in a relationship and they end it. They had some big catastrophic... maybe they lost a loved one, and then they realize they wake up and they realize that this is important. And they shift things in their life to make this more of a priority. And I think that has a lasting impact. Like you're not on autopilot anymore. That's what it is. You're not on autopilot.

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

Yeah.

Alex Alexander:

So my question is, if you met someone and you got into another relationship, well, that's why you're getting married.

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

I am. Yep. In May.

Alex Alexander:

Yes. Do you think that this will impact moving forward lke how you approach community and friendship in your new relationship? Like you're not on autopilot anymore.

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

Yeah, I mean, obviously, like I got married the first time, I think I was like, 20 - 23, somewhere in there. And we did not have a bad divorce. But I have a lot of love for my ex husband, he's a great guy, like, we still send each other animal pictures because we just kept an animal, right? But we actually, it's an event... I was like journaling this morning in a new habit of mine, and was kind of reflecting through this workbook around, like your self limiting beliefs. And I think when you get married, or in a situation that young, it's not even like your limiting beliefs about yourself, but also your limiting beliefs about each other, then kind of carry on for a long time. Without going into much detail, it's like, there are things that that him and I are both doing today that I don't think we would have ever done if we had stayed together that are making us better people in a really positive way. And I think it was like set those limiting beliefs about each other and about ourselves was just carried through. And so I think anytime you get married and get divorced, you know, not saying everyone but for me, I think you're gonna approach dating again, with a much more intentional mindset. What do I want? Who am I today? I didn't know who I was at 22. And I can still change. I'm not saying that, you know... but I know much more clearly now what I want out of life, and what fulfills me, and what sort of person is going to help me meet those goals and fulfill those goals for me. And so yeah, I think it did change how I dated and like what my intention was. And it's very interesting. My fiance is someone that he's a transplant. He's from Omaha, originally, he's lived in Switzerland. He's lived in Phoenix and settled here, after his divorce. And he was very intentional too. He got here a few years before me, he works for a rather large company here. I think they have like 6000 employees in the area. And that company does a really good job with connecting people. So he was pretty intentional. He still does these things. He's on a soccer league through his company, he's on a volleyball league, he does volunteering with the thing. It's called Boys Who Run, like a middle school run. Yeah, he is volunteering with that a couple times a year to help these kids get like ready for a 5k. Right? So he was very intentional about, I don't know, everyone here, he's very much more introverted than me. So I think it was probably harder for him to do that sort of stuff at first. But he's built a great community of people like, yeah, they all work at the same company. But like, I think besides one of them, he doesn't directly work with any of them. Like if he had just gone to work, he probably would have never met these people. But he went and signed up for this stuff, and now has a really good core group of people that are all like, we do a lot of stuff together and all that. So yeah, a very similar type of story that that intentional community building, I think, for both of us is is very important, and will continue to be an important part of our lives.

Alex Alexander:

Yeah, I hear from a lot of people. The reason I was asking that is, again, just to hear your experience, no right or wrong. But I do hear from a lot of people that once you kind of wake up to this being important, and you get used to putting yourself out there and kind of building what you need and what you need right now is going to look different in 10 years. Now you've done it once, you'll continue to switch things up slightly and adjust and supplement, whatever. People kind of tell me like once they see it, you can't unsee it. But no matter what life change happens, you never want to go back. So this is something that they'll always prioritize. That's just why I was curious if that was your experience. And it sounds like it is.

Jenna Myhre Deyle:

Yeah, I would agree with that.

Alex Alexander [Narration]:

Well, Jenna, this has been a phenomenal conversation. I am so excited to share this. And really I'm excited to hear people's reactions. I think some people might listen to this and maybe realize that they're on autopilot a little bit. So if that's you, if you're listening, you can change this area of your life. I want to thank Jenna so much for coming on here and sharing her story, the ups and the downs, the twists and the turns, the journey that she's been on. I know that's not always easy, because again, so much talk out there is about this linear path of just checking off the boxes. But at the end of The day, we just have to decide we don't care. And that all we want is for the people in our lives, including ourselves to be happy. Now, at the beginning of this episode in the intro, you might have heard me mention the stats about how much happier you are if you live near a friend. And there is a really great article by a writer that I really enjoy reading Anne Helen Petersen in our newsletter Culture Study. She wrote an entire newsletter titled, you'd be happier living closer to friends, why don't you? And it's linked in the show notes, go check it out. I don't want to spoil it all. But I do want to read out the reasons she made a list of the reasons you don't. First one is we're not socialized to prioritize friendship. Number two, your friends, they're scattered. Where would you even move? Number three, the housing market. Stupid, which is not wrong. Number four, job lock. Number five, many states aren't safe for so many reasons. Number six, you actually do kind of have this but it still feels slightly out of reach. Seven, we seek solutions within the family unit, not outside of it. And there's so much depth in each of those reasons. But I just wanted to read those out. Because there are very practical reasons that this may not be feasible. I understand that, or huge shifts you would have to make your life. I mean, take Jenna as an example. She was willing to potentially give up a decades-long career and shift companies. So at the end of the day, asking yourself these questions, examining, having conversations with your friends about whether or not they're interested, it might be worth it. And if nothing else, as with anything else on this podcast, at least we're having conversations to put it out there to consider. With that, I'll see you next week.

Podcast Intro/Outro:

Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye. I'll be back with a new episode next week.

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Alex Alexander

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